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Turnaround Time

Below is an actual call I made to UPS to determine why they would not use my credit card on file to pay an international shipment done a month earlier.

Customer to UPS Accounts Receivable Dept.: "Hello, This is Mr. Smithers account number A78KYJ, I received a collection letter today regarding my recent shipment with UPS. Apparently I owe you $110 for my international brokerage account." "Any chance you guys could actually take the money from my Credit Card you have on file?"

UPS Rep: "Just one moment sir, that's not my problem, let me put you through to Accounts Receivable." (Annoying UPS advertising)

AR Rep: "UPS, Rita here, what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: " This is Mr. Smithers, account number A78KYJ I'm just trying to pay an invoice on line and your site won't allow me to do that"

AR Rep: "Hmm, now that's a problem isn't it?" "Hold on one moment while I put you through to customer service." (More annoying UPS advertising)

Customer Service Rep: "UPS, Bill speaking, how may I help you today?"

Customer: "Bill, Mr. Smithers here, account number A78KYJ, I was just trying to pay a bill and finally got through to Accounts Receivable and then they transferred me to you. I just want to pay a friggin invoice."

CSR: "Oh my, now that's a wee bit of a problem. I'm afraid I'll have to put you through to our AR department. One moment please."

Customer: "BILL, DON"T PUT ME ON HOLD...." (Oh, god no!, More annoying UPS on hold advertising)

AR Rep: "UPS Accounts Receivable, Rita speaking, how may I help you?"

Customer: "Rita????" Didn't I talk to you earlier?"

AR Rep: “According to my records, you were talking to Roberta. Let me transfer you now.”

Customer: “DEAR GOD NO.... DON’T PUT ME ON.... (Please don’t be the advertisement about on-line payment processing and the great convenience it provides customers...)

Roberta: “Roberta Speaking, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Roberta, do you know how hard it is to actually pay an invoice with UPS?”

Roberta: “I’m sorry you’re having some problems sir. If you would like I can put you through to our customer service department, one moment please...” (Louder and more obnoxious UPS on-hold advertising touting their high level of customer service for small business owners)

CSR: "UPS, Bill speaking, how may I help you today?"

Customer: “Bill, it’s me again, Smithers, account number A78KYJ, do you remember me, I’ve been trying to pay an invoice for the last 32.6 minutes, DO NOT PUT ME ON HOLD, LISTEN TO ME NOW!!!!!” I just want to pay an invoice that should have been paid on-line using the credit card I gave your firm years ago and you've been using to charge my international shipments too. If you put me on hold again I swear to god I will hunt you down and insert my credit card in the smallest body opening I can find on that scrawny little chassis you call a human form!!!!”

CSR: “Sir, I understand your frustration and I’m here to help. All I need is your name, address, phone, Social insurance number, height, weight, eye colour and GPS coordinates.”

Customer: “Uhhh, come again?”

CSR: “That’s right, all I need is your name, address, phone number, height, weight, eye colour, social insurance number and GPS coordinates.”

Customer: (Sobbing uncontrollably and offering personal details as requested ) “Oh thank you Bill... I don’t know what I would have done had you put me on hold again, why is it such a problem to pay one tiny little invoice on-line?”

CSR: “Well sir, it appears as though your calling from Canada, I’m afraid you’ve reached UPS Atlanta, you’ll have to call UPS Canada Customer Service hotline at 1-800-742-5877. Have a good day sir.” “CLICK”

Customer: “BILL, BILL, DON’T LEAVE ME BILL, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.....” (Client is now writhing on his office floor in convulsions weeping openly for all of his colleagues to witness)


Policeman through a bullhorn outside: “Mr. Smithers, this is special agent Campbell from the Tactical SWAT Unit.” Put the UPS driver down, remove the credit card from his anal cavity and step away from the stapler!” We know you have problems, but my team and I are here to help, think of us as your “United Problem Solvers”...

As far as the new UPS slogan goes... I just have one question; Where was the lifeguard when the advertising genius, who thought of this new slogan, jumped into the Gene pool?

Reason of review: Poor AR options, misleading on-line processing options, lost package, plus so much more..

Monetary Loss: $250.

Preferred solution: Let the company propose a solution.

I liked: Tracking our packages.

I didn't like: Dealing with issues, Ups customer servvice.

  • Ups Bill Payments
  • Ups Missing Packages
  • Ups Bureaucracy
  • Ups Slogan
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